Ironi -

A tale of two beasts

Children! Gather 'round! Let me tell you the story of the two peculiar beasts called 'Procrastination' and 'Laziness'. They were born in a little town just past the mexican border, where their father 'Bono', and mother 'Justin', had fled when they realized that Justin was carrying their illegitimate sons. You have to understand that in that time having a child outside of marriage was a bad thing. A very bad thing, you could have your balls chopped off and stuff (don't quote me on that).

Well, the babies were born and were named Procrastination and Laziness. They were rather weird children having two heads and 23 fingers on each hand. The family also decided to change its last name to Bieber, to avoid suspicion from mexican authorities, and because that is what Bono thought of when Justin was screaming 'Baby, baby, baby ooooooo!' whilst giving birth. As young children Procrastination and Laziness were incredibly popular, people loved Procrastination and Laziness and no one felt guilty for doing them. They got all the girls, and were nearly always high on drugs.

They were living the life, but then like everything in the world; the good times came to an end. New kids started arriving on the block, among them a boy called Efficiency. Things went down hill from there, people started dissing the twins and started loving Efficiency instead. People laughed at them and spat on them, saying Efficiency was the best thing that ever happened to them. Add to this, their beloved mother Justin Bieber had just contracted AIDS and was on her way out. Today the twins live in the shadows and they're only coming out when people aren't watching. The sad thing is people come to them when no one is around and use them, like cheap whores. Then they turn around and say how much they hate Laziness and Procrastination.

The moral of this strange (true) story is that we have gotten so addicted to being efficient, that we have proclaimed that sitting down and doing nothing is a shameful sin, and that people who do it need to be branded fat, ugly, . It has suddenly become popular to hate dilly dallying. We have to have so many things to do, places to be, people to screw nowadays that any time spent doing nothing is 'wasted' time. As an example I will bring up another fictional character, a personal favourite of mine, Homer Simpson. On a saturday morning what does Homer do? He doesn't go out jogging or meet annoying friends, instead he takes a cold a beer and just lies in his hammock all day. Then we have Flanders, he seems to always be doing stuff, like trimming the hedges or reading the bible (what a nerd). Some would say he is being efficient, but who is actually enjoying life? I'd bet a fair bit that it is Homer. So next time you have a moment free, instead of finding something to do, go against everything this world has told you, and do nothing! It's time well spent.

Oh yeah, and Justin Bieber is a girl.

2011-01-24 @ 10:07:14 Permalink Allmänt Kommentarer (1) Trackbacks ()

Suspicions confirmed!

Well hello there peoples of the internets! I was just visiting a lovely website called urbandictionary, which you should have heard of (unless you have been living under a rock, eating snails and desease carrying rats for the last few years). Well I 'happened' to search for 'Nils' (why would I have done that, I wonder what came over me?) and my suspicions have been confirmed. That I am awesome. Here are the top two definitions of the word 'Nils':

1. A Scandinavian name given to anyone who, for sure, will/is awesome. Nils is based on a Saint. Saint Nicholas. Who most of you know as Santa Claus. He brings presents to us every year so this is why we honor someone with the name Nils because he will be like Santa.

Mom: Wow. We should really name him Nils.

Dad: Why?

Mom: He just looks so Super Awesome.

2. The act of being high for longer than fourteen and a half hours and eating piles of spaghetti while repeating the Holy Mary with no pants on and getting sucked from a girl named "Head."

Oh my gosh! That Nils is still high from eating that weed browning and he thinks he is in Church.

Now if your name is brad..... well sorry bud, apparently you're not that awesome....

1. Extreme frailty and sensitivity. A trait possessed by weak, passive males. These people are often confused with small, female children. Their main diet consists of smoothies, bananas, and frappaccinos. They are NOT strong.

2. To have a stinky arm pitt.
Most commonly used when referring to someone with excess arm pit hair and or B.O.

Now I might go eat some spaghetti now while basking in my awesomeness!

2011-01-24 @ 00:16:59 Permalink Allmänt Kommentarer (2) Trackbacks ()

Part 2 - Return of Nils

3. I will ONLY post when I feel I have something useful or interesting to get of my chest (that doesn't include sandwiches, faeces, or funnily shaped trees). My posting agendas will include interesting subjects like: breeding bees, ornithology and politics (that was my attempt at humour). No not that serious, but better than *cough*kissie*cough* (the blood sucking plague of the earth)

4. I am a Hypocrite. DON'T criticize me! I may say something one day, then change my mind the next day and pretend that was my opinion since the day I was born. This way if I believe something I say is wrong I can correct it while avoiding the embarrassment of admitting that I was wrong, thus in the process making me look smarter and people who said I was wrong, look dumber. Win-win.

5. I WILL post deeply opinionated posts. You MAY/WILL be offended. I DON'T give a cr*p. Responses from you may come in the form: 'WHAT IS THIS IS SH*T! THIS PERSON NEEDS TO DIE! HE IS HORRIBLE'. Honestly, I don't care. Being PC is sooo overdone and boring. I'm going to let you guys in on a little secret; people have opinions, no one is biased, and no one cares what you think!

6. Irony is a big part of my life and that extends to this blog. For gods sake this blog is called 'ironi'! If you don't understand the subtle art of irony and sarcasm and thus don't understand my posts; PLEASE stay away from the internet in general. Irony is the cement of the big building that is 'the internets'. If you don't appreciate it, find some new friends. I recommend blind, death, mute, wheelchair bound friends. They'll suit you. Trust me.

7. I am a stubborn prick. Everything I say is right and there is no use in arguing. This is the truth. It is the eleventh commandment: 'thou shall not question Nils, for he is always in the right'. I like to be right, it's human nature. If you like to be wrong, you're not human or worse.... a damn pussy.

There I think that will just about do it for now. If you like my satire you can stay and we can have great time. Party at my blog! And if you don't, well I'm sure you'll grow up into one of those scary old women everyone knows that has ten cats and lives alone and scares all the neighborhood children. It's up to you! Oh and another picture to trick people into reading these. It's kinda awesome, a bit like me then....

2011-01-21 @ 23:07:32 Permalink Allmänt Kommentarer (3) Trackbacks ()

Disclaimer - Take it or leave it.... b*tch

Well, a start. Been meaning to start one of these newfangled do-hickeys called a 'blog'. Scary stuff these 'internets' where some disgusting meat banging pervert in Uzbekistan is on the other side reading my posts. But I'll take the plunge, and risk having a few new weird stalkers trying to add me on 'facebook'.

I have looked at other blogs, and my general reaction is zzzzzz. Come the f**k on! Sorry for my language. The average level of writing is atrocious and they fail to interest me as much as pussy fails to intrest Elton John. If you didn't understand that gtfo. That's why I have decided to start a blog, to show the world what a blog should be. It will be different from other blogs; • It will be good looking • It will be smart and subtle • It will be humorous • It will not be about clothes and food • It will be relevant. So in summary it will be Awesome!

So as this blog will 'be unlike any over blog' *deep scary commercial voice* (don't you just love that voice) I will put down some rules for us to follow, and some disclaimers for people reading. (Maybe I should have a big warning at the top of the page: 'Sensitive viewers are advised to stay the hell away from this blog')

1. I will not, repeat, I WILL NOT feel obliged to post here. That means I refuse to feel 'guilty for not having posted for a while'. I won't cry in my sleep because the Uzbeki pervert can't read about my day to day happenings. Unlike other 'blogs' I will not create no-content posts about 'I ate a bagel today, and then I pooed it out, and then I met some friends' just to fill up dry spells when my head is empty. Truth is I don't want to commit myself to another thing that sucks time. I don't want to come home tomorrow and think 'crap I have so much to do that i'll skipping eating my traditional tasty sandwich to post about the tree that sort of looked like a slaughtered sheep that I saw on my way home'. Posts may come once a week or twice in a day, I don't care neither should you.

2. Hello there mr. uzbeki pervert! I understand your need to see good looking young swedish teens and pretend to be part of their life. I accept that I can't stop you from looking at my pictures and reading my blog, short of putting a password on the blog (besides the thought of your beady little eyes scanning over my pictures doesn't nearly scare me as much as losing potential readers due to password protection). I accept all this, but what I don't want you doing is begging me to put up pictures of me and giving out information about me and my friends. I'm sorry if my morals are different from yours, but in my world it is weird to remotely molest people. You hear that mr? WEIRD!

The disclaimer will continue in the next post, since it's getting kind of long and my brain hurts from thinking. Oh yes and since blog readers have no patience and get bored so quickly (spoiled brats) here's a picture. It may have tricked you into reading this post thinking it had something to with me nipple twisting myself on the great wall of china. If that was the case, bad luck, it didn't.

2011-01-21 @ 22:05:27 Permalink Allmänt Kommentarer (0) Trackbacks ()